Sunday, January 16, 2011

More Than a Woman

I've been on some wacky dates in my lifetime. Dating is definitely an entertaining experience. Today, I'll share one that really stands out. Disclaimer: To protect the wack, first initials are used.

Now I usually don't do hookups. They hardly ever work out and I'm left in an awkward position afterward. The first, and last, blind date I had was a hookup. The dude was older and I assumed well established. I'm safety conscious, so agreed to meet him at our destination. He waited until the day of to disclose the location. Well, the general vicinity. He gave me the cross streets of where we were to meet and the time. This was his idea of surprise. This should have been my first red flag. 

However, I played along and made it to the intersection clearly confused. It was a shopping strip with Target, a liquor store, a couple clothing stores, a shoe repair shop, a buffet, and movie theatre. Nevertheless, I parked and waited. A two-tone 2-door 1997 Grand Am pulls up beside me. The body was white with a fire engine red hood, trunk, and rims. The interior was dark brown leather with red accents. Neopolitan paint job, sir? The driver is a short thin dude dressed in heavily starched Guess jeans and a button-up. Yes, the old school Guess jeans with the upside down triangle logo on the back pocket with creases that'll cut you. Taco meat is peeking out of his button-up too. I just KNOW this isn't my date. I roll my car window down half an inch and ask, "G?" He smiles crookedly and nods. No, this can't be life.

We proceed out of our respective rides and start walking toward...Old Country Buffet. He must have noticed the vicious side-eye I'm giving because he hurries to explain. "This is my favorite spot to eat. You can't beat the variety at this price. I knew if I gave you a heads up, a classy lady like yourself wouldn't agree so...surprise!" I can't believe I got all dolled up for this fuckery. The mean girl in me wanted to get back in my car and drive off. Yet, I stuck it out. We walked in and much to my dismay, it was like an episode of Cheers. Everybody knew his name! Apparently, he wasn't kidding when he said Old Country Buffet was his fave spot. Later I discover it was also his first job. 

I won't trouble you with the details of how much fried chicken, mac-n-cheese, and brown-and-serve rolls we ate. The conversation during dinner was grueling. We had nothing in common. Plus, I was still in shock. Fast forward to the end of the blind date and we're saying our goodbyes. I give him a half-ass hug with a tap on the shoulder. We get in our separate cars. I breathe a sigh of relief, buckle up, and scramble for my cell so I can call the friend who set this up. Then I hear the faint sound of an engine that won't turn over. Low and behold, this dude's pimped out Grand Am won't start. He asks, "Can you give me a boost?" Without waiting for my reply, he reaches in the backseat and grabs jumper cables. Whaaaaa?! The fact that he keeps jumper cables in the back seat lets me know this is a frequent problem for him. The mean girl in me kicks in. I shake my head no and drive off.  

Looking back, all I can do is share, learn, and laugh. Thank goodness for music and the opportunity to blog about it. Speaking of music, happy birthday to Detroit's own: Aaliyah. Her lyrics have truly gotten me through dating woes and celebrating the single life of a young woman in her twenties. 

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Meet the Parents

I spent the last 24 hours with my munchkins. I have a new appreciation for parents and especially single mothers/fathers. Every ounce of my energy is drained. Every minute was devoted to their well-being. I couldn't sleep in. I had to actually fix breakfast in the morning. I couldn't just curl up with my snuggie and NOOKcolor. My television didn't even know how to act. It's used to programmed reality shows of fuckery, not cartoons. 

But also in the last 24 hours, I realized that I really love moments with my munchkins. Yesterday was also my niece's first birthday party. To see them growing up, learning, and interacting with other children warms my heart. It just doesn't warm it enough to want the experience first hand. Moments are enough.

As I grow older, I am embracing that being a parent isn't for everyone. I don't have the patience for this on a full time basis. I'm perfectly fine with being an Auntie and Godmommy Tai Tai. And that's okay. Therefore, I am pressing the snooze button on my biological clock. The next time it goes off, I may just unplug it altogether. **L Dot Shrug**

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Sh!t My Mama Do ~ Ch. 1

This is what happens when your Mama follows you on Twitter. Per the previous post, I was up in the wee hours of the morning watching infomercials. Then I thought, if I start wearing booty pops now then maybe I'll have a valentine by February 14th. Well, apparently my Mama read those tweets and sent me the above reply. -__- 

What's booty pop you ask? Watch the official infomercial below. They have been around for years. My Grandma actually had a pair back in her day. Anyhoot, I refuse to let my Mama order a pair. However, she is a seamstress and is fully capable of sewing her own. EEK!

Give it to Me!

So I'm up late watching infomercials and scrolling through the horoscopes on my Twitter timeline. I'm either weak-minded or tired in the wee hours of the morning because I see the above infomercial for pajama jeans. A fashion faux pas! However, this infomercial is really persuading and I have the sudden urge to order a pair. Judge me. Judge me NOW.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Welcome to my Blogmoir!

Friends and family have suggested that I write a memoir. The stories I tell, the people I meet, the fuckery I witness should be documented. Well, if you follow my other blog then you know that I've recently read and reviewed two books that started off as just blogs and are now bestsellers. These facts are not lost on me. So, I'm going to try my hand at blogging my own personal accounts of certain events and people (hence the term blogmoir) and hope that a major publisher(s) contacts me. At the very least, I'll provide you with laughter, thought, and a glimpse into my sarcastic world. It will also feature the highly anticipated stories of "Sh!t My Mama Do." 

Please follow, subscribe, retweet, like it on Facebook, and offer your own two cents in the comments section of each post. There is only one thing that I want you to remember. **in my best Jay-Z voice** It's only entertainment!